Me the Malayali

God's own nut
It is the innate ability of my Malayali ancestry to rival English language, like an Englishman that compels the ghost of William Wordsworth to change color from pale white to buffalo green. While the poor Brits spewed through their stiff upper lip, constipating generations of Union Jack oratories, the Malayali chettan let loose from his stiffer lower lip, flooding phonetic lavatories.
Thus, ‘temple’ to the sundry was heard as ‘temble’‘simply’ as ‘simbly’, the feline ‘cat’ stretched its existence to ‘caat’, the killer instinct in a ‘donkey’ was replaced by the sublime g-string sporting ‘dongey’ and last but not the least, the runaway fraternal slang ‘pop’ has been elevated in diction, to the papal distinction of ‘pope’. Last overheard in Kerala pop music circles, ‘Madonna is singing and dancing to sexy pope music…papa don’d breach‘.  The Papacy is still reeling under the effect of Malayali Madonaess.
Half my native cousins are accused of being trade unionists. The other half are believed to run the porn industry. This explosive amalgamation of Karl Marx and Vatsayana is epitomized by the lungi. Worn perpetually at half mast, this garment is hoisted or lowered  with ergonomic ease before a labour strike or after hastened copulation. Either way, lungi is Keralite’s cultural flag that sways on a steady diet of testosterone. In native dressing ethics, an act of omission will displace ‘Gods own nut’.
Speaking of nuts, the Malayali and the omnipresent coconut is a gleaming symbol of man-tree love. In the many positions revealed in the ‘cocosutra’, the fruit and its bearer, a sky kissing palm tree, haunts the average Malayali from birth to death. The man vehemently displays the utility of the omnipresent coconut using liberal geometric progression. If cooking is undertaken with the produce of one tree a day, hair will be greased with the produce of two trees a day. If both the above are true, then, toddy will be consumed with the produce of nine trees a day. If not true, quantify Malayaliness as equal to jero. 
Editor’s note: Introducing “mindlesslampoons”, a.k.a Ravi. Ravi loves drawing cartoons in his spare time and henceforth will be the resident doodler at The Kochi Post.  This post was first published here, and republished here with his permission. 
RaviRavi claims to have passed through the portals of an acclaimed B School by mistake. He now dabbles in nature, martial art, fitness and farming. In between, he finds time to throw ink on paper and shoot satire through his hat. He writes at


  1. thanx..that sounds like the anthem for all our country cousins. 🙂

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